Trapped in a Nightmare - Part 2: Dark Woods Circus
by Rolling-Chan
Summary: When I close my eyes, I can see my old life. My family life was wonderful, my friends were a blessing, and I was happy. Now my life is Hell on Earth. Yet somehow, I'm still happy.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Hello wonderful people! I am super happy to present my (incredibly-long-overdue-and-most-probably-forgott en-all-about) Dark Woods Circus fanfic! *cheers* *gets hit in the head with an orange* What was that for?!

Rin: Just shut up and give everyone the heads up. No one cares whether or not you're happy.

Me: Fine! *rubs head* *mumbles* Meanie.

Anywho, if you haven't read the first part (Trapped in a Nightmare - Part 1: Wide Knowledge of the Late Madness) then you should read that first (even though it really sucks). I mean, come on, you wouldn't read The Hunger Games out of order, would you?

Second heads up, this fanfic is really religion heavy, with that religion being Christianity. No amount of complaints is going to change my mind, so if Christianity offends you in any way then do not read this because I'm not changing anything for anybody. If you're cool with religion - or Christian like myself - then read away.

-Ray

Disclaimer: I don't own Vocaloid or Dark Woods Circus. I don't own anything, really. I'm too poor to own things. . .

* * *

(Miku's P.O.V.)

It can get worse.

So, so much worse.

I'm a freak. A circus monster. And there's nothing I can do about it.

My legs look as if they belong to a goat. At least they aren't hairy. My skin is still as smooth as it has always been. And I have feet instead of hoves. That's always a plus.

My best friends, Rin and Len Kagamine, have it much worse. Their heads were cut off their bodies and sown onto a single one. Two heads. On one body.

Rin, my dearest friend. Shoulder length blond hair with an adorable white bow on top. Eyes as blue as a perfect summer day. Despite sharing a body with her brother, she's still the cutest girl you could ever hope to see. She hasn't said much since the day we were reunited, that day a over a year ago. She still acts the way she did when we had lived in that horrible mental institute. She's also "the good child," never getting into trouble the same way the rest of us do. I don't think she has ever once suffered a punishment. Nonetheless, I still love her. She is my sister from different parents.

Len, on the other hand, well... I'm in love with him. When I thought he had died, I wanted nothing more than to tell him how I feel, but even though there have been many opportunities since I learned he was still alive, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. We're still close friends. Whenever I'm upset, he'll lie my head on his lap and stroke my hair like he's done for years. I still want to tell him that I love him, but when I try the words are lost. Maybe it's for the best. We're monsters, after all. What future could we possibly hope for?

I watch the show from behind the curtain. The same show I had spent a year now watching. CUL was returning for her act. "You were great," I quietly say to her.

"Aren't I always," she stated more as a fact than a question. I had always found it surprising how CUL seemed proud of the bull horns she was mutated with. I just don't know how anyone could be proud of being mutated. I hate it.

I just shake my head and pay CUL no mind. I begin to tremble. I have learned by now to know what performance comes after CUL's.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the ringmaster's voice echoes all throughout the tent, "boys and girls. I advice for this next act that children and women look away for what you might see may be burned into your minds for the rest of your life. First, let's have the Queen of the Blade take center stage."

I watch as Mayu walks out. She's wearing a black dress, something that looks as if it should be worn at an execution. Her cream hair hangs unkept, with a black hat on top of her head. In one hand she holds a bow; in the other she holds a single arrow. Even though I stare at her in an observing manner, her eyes scan the area, unsearching. Unlooking.

"Normally the task is to shoot an apple off a person's head," Ringmaster continues, "but that's too easy. Instead she'll be shooting an arrow at an apple, resting on the shoulders of the Body With Two Heads."

I tighten my grip on the curtain as I watch Rin and Len walk up to the stage. Rin has the biggest smile plastered on her face while Len keeps his straight. They walk to the wall set up for the act and press their back to it. The apple is placed between their heads, resting snug on their shared shoulder.

"'That isn't enough,' you say?" Ringmaster says, "'That isn't enough'! Well I'll tell you, our dear Queen...is blind!"

Gasps fill the room. It's true. Mayu is blind. Mayu, the girl about to shoot an arrow at Rin's and Len's heads, is blind.

"I know what you're thinking," Ringmaster purrs, "'Who gives a blind girl a bow and an arrow?' What I think is, 'Who wouldn't?'"

Mayu positions herself, setting the arrow in place and pulling it back. Screams are heard all over the tent. Mayu is aiming at the audience.

"Queen of the Blades," Ringmaster says plainly, "that's the audience."

"I know," Mayu smiles. She then turns towards the twins and releases the arrow without taking the time to aim, not that she could aim anyway. More screams are heard and I tightly close my eyes. I hear the arrow pierce through skin and go through until it hits the wall. I slowly open an eye to peep out and see Rin and Len unharmed while the arrow has gone through the center of the apple. This act has been preformed over a hundred times, and Mayu never misses. However, never once have I been able to watch all the way through.

"Queen of the Blades, ladies and gentlemen!"

The crowd roars as Mayu takes a bow. For a blind girl, she has amazing aim. I have been the center of her practice before, much to Len's disapproval. I don't know what Len thinks of me, but I'm glad he cares enough for me to not like having me as Mayu's practice body.

"To finish off the show," Ringmaster says, "we'll let the girl with the most beautiful voice you have ever heard sing. Presenting, the Deformed Diva!"

That's my cue. I walk past the curtain and take Len's extended hand. It's this way every show. The twins take my hand, lead me to center stage, and leave me to sing. And I always sing. When I'm positioned I brush my hair behind my ears, a signal for the instrumental to begin.

_Nothing lives in this uninhabited land,_

_And I can't feel the touch of your hand._

_Because of my never ending sorrow_

_That grows and grows faster than I know._

_I can't even see the vivid colors of wind,_

_Or the sounds of green I've delight in._

_Even though to me it is perfectly clear,_

_You are honestly here!_

_With that gentle voice of yours,_

_Call my name; let the sound soar_

_From behind the tainted window._

_Smile at me so I know._

_I take two steps to get to you and see_

_You slumbering so innocently._

_I cannot take anymore steps toward you._

_I hate myself for being a poltroon._

_I cannot even grab the slightest gleam_

_Reaching through the dark window to me._

_Breaking the silence that no one else dared to,_

_I sang a song just for you._

_With that gentle voice of yours,_

_Call my name; let the sound soar._

_Not moving before the present,_

_Time becomes turbulent._

_Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!_

_Throw away past memories,_

_And turn around to face me._

_Please let me sing; vocalize_

_In the brightest light._

_With that gentle voice of yours,_

_Call my name; let the sound soar_

_From behind the tainted window._

_Smile at me so I know._

_Smile at me so I know..._

I hear the applause of the crowd. Every one of us stand in the center as we take one last bow. Rin cheerfully squeezes my left hand, smiling the biggest of smiles. I look at the holder of my right hand. One leg, joints that bend backwards as well as forewords, six fingers on the right hand hand. The only one of us here who was born deformed, not mutated. Luka Megurine.


	2. Chapter 2

(Len's P.O.V.)

"AAAHHHHH!" I scream in pain as the acid burns my skin.

"You're in a circus!" "his" evil voice snarls. "Be happy! Smile! Act like you're having FUN!" He pours more acid on my face.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"He" throws me to the floor, making sure I land on my side so Rin doesn't get hurt. "You can learn from her," "he" says while pointing at my twin sister. "Next time I want you to smile so big that I can't tell the two of you apart!"

With that "he" storms off. I try to sit up but since I can only use the left arm and leg it's not as easy to move as it once was. Rin uses her side to help me sit up and when we're sitting upright she examines my face.

"It's okay," I say to her, "I'm fine." Rin shakes her head. She knows I'm lying. "Don't worry about it," I try, "it wasn't as bad as last time." Rin shakes her head again, unconvinced. I guess nothing can be done about it. "Come on," I change the subject, "we shouldn't make Miku wait any more. She might worry if we take too long." Rin gave me a look that told me Miku was already worried.

It's hard being stuck together like this. We have to work together just to simply walk in a straight line. Simple task are hard for us now. If I want to do something and Rin wants to do another, then an argument breaks out. Well, not really an argument. I haven't heard Rin talk in so long that I'm begining to forget what her voice sounds like. She did this before, at the assulyum. She was, both then and now, choosing to not talk. I know she can speak, but nothing I do can convince her to open her mouth.

"Rin! Len!" Miku happily greets us when we enter the tent. After shows, we are all allowed some freedom. We can travel wherever we want as long as we stay on the circus grounds. Not that we can leave, anyway, this place is heavily guarded.

"Hi, everyone," I say. Luka's here, and so is Mayu and CUL. Those who used to be with us in the assulyum who are here now are Neru, Haku, Miki, and Iroha. Neru and Haku had their legs stretched so that they are now ten feet tall. Miki is also a diva, but instead of having "goat legs," as Miku calls them, her skin dyed hot pink. And Iroha was brainwashed to believe with all her being that she's a cat.

"Len!" Miku cries. "Your face!"

"It's okay," I try to tell her. I just hate seeing her so upset.

"Don't tell me it's okay!" she hisses as she walks towards me. She takes my face with both of her hands and examines my new wound. She gently slides her fingers across the raw skin, causing me to moan. "I'm sorry," she apologizes as she stops what she's doing and turns my head so that she can look at a different angle. What she doesn't know is that I didn't moan in pain, it's just that her touch feels so good. No matter how badly the acid damages me, it's always a good kind of pain when she examines it. "At least it wasn't as bad as last time," she sighs.

"Told you, Rin," I say to my twin. She rolls her eyes at me.

"Stop acting as if it's no big deal!" Miku snaps as she walks back to her seat. I don't say anything. She sits so that everyone can see her while Rin and I sit in the back, away from the others. Miku continues the story she was telling before we arrived, the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand, but I don't pay attention. I begin to notice that Rin is chewing on her hand, a habit she never broke. I saw a lot of blood coming from the wounds she created so I try to stop her. "Rin, enough," I whisper loud enough for her to hear but not loud enough to interrupt Miku's story. When Rin ignores me I try to pull her hand away but instead she bites my hand before I takes her's far from her mouth. I bite my lips to keep from crying in pain. Rin gives me a dirty look before she goes back to chewing her hand. Why did I ever think that she was more intelligent than me?

When Miku finishes everyone begins socializing and talking about their day. Sure, the days are pretty much the same for everyone, but every once in a while someone manages to get a good story to tell. I watch as Miku talks with Haku and Neru as if they had been friends their whole lives. I had always thought that Haku was mute, since she never so much as uttered a sound in the assulyum. Her best friend, Neru, however, never did shut up.

"Mind if I join you?" Luka says as she sits next to me.

"I don't care," I say, "and Rin's off in her own world." Rin continues to chew her hand and doesn't acknowledge Luka's presence.

"Miku has really brightened up our world," Luka says. "Before we had nothing, but since the three of you joined us Miku has brought the hope we never knew excisted. We're always called 'the children God has abandoned,' but Miku says that He has not and never will abandon us. Why has nobody shared this message with us before?"

"Miku's different," I say. "I was always skeptical, but when you see the way she lives you can't help but wonder what makes her so different. She has a lot of faith in what she believes, so of course she has hope."

Luka nods slowly. "Are you still skeptical now?"

I shake my head. "I became a believer shortly before coming here." I smile. "It's an interesting story, or so I think."

"Please tell me," Luka says.

"Well," I begin, "you heard about the three of us living in a mental assulyum and later being mutated to be sent here?" Luka sadly nods. She was born deformed, so her parents just sent her to the circus instead of trying to care for her. She may not know what it's like to be normal then turned into a freak, but none of us knew what it's like for your parents to voluntarily give you up because you're different. "When I woke up and saw that I was attached to Rin, I fully understood the whole purpose of the institute. I knew that sooner or later Miku would be mutated. I don't know why I did but I prayed to God, asking Him that if He would just let me see Miku again then I would give up my unbelieving ways and give my life to Him." I laugh. "He answered, but I didn't give Him a fair deal. This isn't exactly that great a life."

"But you also hold the hope that Miku carries," Luka observed.

"Yes I do," I sigh. "Well," I say as I stretch, "I had better go to bed. Good night, Luka."

"Good night, Len. Good night, Rin."

Rin nods in acknowledgement. Her hand and lips are covered in blood. "You need to wash up," I tell her as we leave the tent. Rin smiles at me, blood completely covering her teeth.

We walk into our "room" and settle in the corner. Rin, noticing that not all the blood has dried yet, begins to use it as paint and draws on her side of the floor.

"Rin," I say, "why do you act that way? There's nobody here to drug us any more. You don't have to act crazy." Rin continues to draw, ignoring me. "Rin," I plead, "just say something. I miss the sound of your voice." Rin continues on as if she can't hear me at all. I sigh in defeat. I don't think there's anything I can do to convince her to speak.

After I'm sure everyone has gone to bed, Rin and I leave our "room" and head over to Miku's. "Miku," I say when we find her in her "room," a cage with concrete floors and tent-like material for the roof.

"Rin! Len!" she whispers with excitement. She opens the door and helps us up the small step used for stairs. Hugging us she asks, "What are you doing here?"

"Do we need a reason to see our best friend?" I tease. "How are you feeling?"

"A little tired," Miku sighs. "It hasn't been a good day for me. What about you, Len? What did you do to deserve being punished?"

"I didn't smile at all during the show tonight," I say.

"I knew that wasn't a good thing," Miku sighs. "I hate it when you get punished. You know I would rather be punished myself than see you get the acid treatment."

"You know that's true with me too," I say. It was. Rin and I had walked in on Ringmaster punishing Miku for the first time. I had hated seeing her in pain so much that I had attacked Ringmaster and had earned the punishment for the first time myself.

Miku sits in a corner and lies her head back. "I hate it here. I really do."

"We all do," I say as Rin and I sit next to her.

"If you could escape," she says out of nowhere, "would you?"

I didn't even have to think about it. "Only if you were coming with me."

"And if I wasn't?"

"I would never leave you."

Miku takes a deep breath. "You can't sacrifice your happiness for me."

"You are my happiness," I say before my mind has time to process it.

Miku looks at me with tears filling her eyes. "Do you really mean that?"

"You know I do," is my answer. Miku lies down and rests her head on Rin's and my lap. I stroke her hair like I always do. Miku - my best friend, my source of comfort, the love of my life. I wasn't always sure why Miku had effected me the way did, but as time went on I began to understand that the feelings I had for Miku were love. I love Miku, I love her so much and yet I can't bring myself to tell her. But how could she ever love me, anyway? I'm nothing but a freak; a monster who's purpose is to be entertainment in a circus. Besides, she probably thinks of me as a brother. I heard Miku call Rin her sister before, so that has to mean that Miku doesn't think of me in any other way. Doesn't it?

It doesn't matter, I guess. As long as I can do everything in my power to protect her and make her smile, then I can be happy. I'm happy that she does care for me enough to be upset by my punishments, but since we're best friends then I suppose it's only natural.

"Len?" she calls me.

"Yes, Miku?" I answer.

"I'm glad we were never separated," she says. "I'm glad that we were taken to the same circus and still get to be friends."

"Me too," I say as I arrange her fringe. We sit in silence for a few minutes.

"Len?" she says again.

"Hmmm?" I mumble.

"Will we always be friends?" Miku asks, as if unsure. "Will we always be together? Will you never leave me?"

"Why are you asking this?" I ask. "Do you doubt me or something?"

"It's just," Miku said, "that we've had each other for the longest time. Even if I could go back to my old life, it wouldn't seem right without either you or Rin in it. I can't imagine my life without the either of you. I don't want a life, no matter how perfect it may be, without the both of you. That . . . " she hesitates. "That would be a worse Hell than living here. I'm sorry," she shakes her head, "I'm probably not making any sense."

"Yes you are," I say. "I can't imagine my life without you either," I say. "And I know that Rin feels the same." I look at Rin, silently watching us. What was Rin feeling? What was she thinking in that head of her's? "And I could never be able to live without my favorite twin sister." Rin, looking down, smiles the smallest of smiles. The smile is so soft and delicate that I know Rin is saying that she feels the same.

"Rin?" Miku adresses her, "I love you. You know that, right?"

Rin looks at Miku and begins playing with her hair. It took me a while to notice that Rin is using her only hand to braid Miku's hair. "I'll help you," I say but Rin shakes her head. While in the institute Miku had taught the both of us how to braid. Rin was a natural while I on the other hand . . . You know what? Never mind.

After Rin had finished braiding a lock of Miku's hair, Miku sat up and did the same for Rin. "I can't ger over how cute you look with that bow," Miku giggled as she braided part of Rin's short hair.

Rin huffed, obviously not pleased with Miku's statement. When we came here the bow became part of Rin's costume, and she hates it with a burning passion. "I think it suits you," I say to here. "I almost can't picture you without a bow any more."

Rin punches me, or tries to since it isn't like it used to be. She has just as many limits as I do, and that's a lot.

"Don't move," Miku orders as she tries to fix Rin's braid. "There!" Miku smiles as she finishes off the braid. Rin gave Miku a look. I didn't understand what it meant, but Miku giggles and says "You're right, Rin. We should also braid Len's hair."

"No!" I yell in horror. "I'm a guy! You don't braid a guy's hair!"

"Sure we do," Miku says evilly. Rin uses her arm to hold mine down while Miku takes out my ponytail and braids a chunk of my hair. Despite my pleas, Miku doesn't stop until she finishes her work. "You look so pretty, Len!" Miku laughs.

I huff as I feel my face getting hot from Miku's laugh. I hate it when she laughs at me. I look at Rin, who is smiling from ear to ear, but not laughing. I sigh at this. I wish Rin would let me hear her voice again, but I can't figure out why she is so persistent on not talking anymore.

"Len," Miku says slowly after she calms down from her laughing fit.

"Yes, Miku," I say, trying, and failing, to not to sound mad about her braiding my hair.

"I need to ask you a favor."

* * *

Author's Note: Just a sweet, fluffy chapter. I like fluff. Fluff, fluff, fluff~. Now throw a little burning acid and blood into the mix and then you got something! XD

So yeah, I hope everyone enjoyed this little chapter. I enjoyed writing so I hope everyone feels the same reading it. If not, then I failed you all.

-Ray


	3. Chapter 3

(Mayu's P.O.V.)

It's dark, but I can see. I can't "see" like everyone else, but I am aware of my surroundings. Like right now. Someone is coming. I throw the knife I'm holding at the one who entered.

"HOLY SHI-" The owner of the voice grabs the knife, pulls it out of the wooden beam, and throws it on the floor. "Dang it, Mayu! Are you trying to kill me?!"

"I never miss," I simply say.

"That's not what I meant," she says.

"Relax, CUL," I say as I get close to the ground and feel for the knife she threw down. "I'll never hit you."

"That's what I doubt, not your aim," she says before she storms over to her mirror.

"Waxing your horns?" I ask.

"Yep," is her answer.

CUL was mutated to have bull horns. I remember when she first came here, watching her get used to walking around with them. I would always laugh so hard when she got her horns caught in a door frame or something. It was a sight to see. When I still could see.

My father sold me to the circus when I was little. He was such an alcoholic that he cared more for his drink than his own daughter. I was, as Ringmaster has said, a good deal. I have this sixth sense; I can use the vibrations on the ground and the changes in the air pressure to tell where I am and where everything is. I could shoot an arrow while blindfolded and it would still go where I wanted.

But that wasn't enough.

Saying that the circus goers would like it better if I was actually blind, Ringmaster poured acid into my eyes until they had burned up and fell out of their sockets. As replacements, I was given glass eyes so it would look like I was born blind and not blinded. The glass eyes look natural, or so I was told.

"Found it!" I purr when I find my knife. I'm called "Queen of the Blades" for a reason. I've always had a strong fascination with sharp objects. Especially axes and knives.

"Why does everyone trust you with sharp objects?" CUL asks.

"I don't think it concerns you," I smile. I feel a change in the air. "Someone's coming." When that person enters the tent I turn around a fling my knife. I hear a girl's scream. "I'm sorry, Len, I didn't know it was you."

"It's okay," he gasps.

I walk over and pluck the knife out of the wooden beam. I turn over to where they're standing and hold out my hand as I say, "Rin." Rin touches my hand as a form of greeting. I know Rin prefers to not talk so I don't bother to make her. "So what brings you here?" I ask as I walk back to my desk where I keep all my "possessions" and gently lay the knife down.

"Miku wants to ask a favor from you," Len says.

"Did she say what she wanted me for?" I ask, but I already know the answer.

"She didn't say anything to me," Len says, "all she said is that she wants to talk to you."

I bite my lip, knowing exactly what Miku wants. Sometimes, when she has a really bad day, she'll ask me a favor. I don't know why I never refuse her. Perhaps I don't want to argue with her. Or perhaps I know that once her mind is made up, she will finds ways to get what she wants. The first time she asked me, I was so surprised by her request that I nearly shouted. She talked me into it, and I haven't been able to refuse her since.

"Where does she want to meet me?" I ask, even though the meeting place has never once changed.

"Near the Blue Beast's cage," Len answers. "I don't know why she wants to meet over there, isn't it dangerous?"

That's why Miku wants to meet there. Because it's so dangerous nobody will be there. "Tell her that I'll meet her in an hour."

"Okay," Len says. "Goodnight, Mayu."

"Goodnight, Len. Goodnight, Rin," I say to the twins.

"He didn't say anything to me," CUL complains after the two had left.

"Maybe if you were a bit friendlier than nobody would have a problem talking to you," I say to the red head.

"Who needs friends?" CUL snorts. "This is a dog-eat-dog world. You can't trust anyone but yourself."

"So you don't trust me?" I ask as I sit down.

"Not one bit!" CUL answers. "Trust is a waste of time, anyway. You think someone's always gonna be there for you and - next thing you know - they stab you in the back. People either straight up lie to your face, or smile at you and do the stabbing when you're not looking."

"Who hurt you?" I ask the girl.

"I don't have to be hurt to know," CUL answers. "People are all the same, so you're better off living alone."

"Wouldn't living alone be sad?" I ask her. If I were alone, I don't think that I'd be able to bear it. How CUL can say being alone is better while having never been hurt before surprises me.

"Maybe," CUL says in a tone that leads me to believe that she's shrugging, "but it's better than giving someone the power to destroy you."

We sit in silence for twenty minutes before I speak again. "I would never hurt you, CUL."

"That's what they all say," she snorts.

I say nothing else to her. When the time to meet Miku arrived, I walk to the Blue Beast's cage. He's the worst of us all. He's a cannibal, and being so close to his cage gives me the chills.

"You're early," I hear Miku say as she approaches me.

"You too," I respond. "I still don't know why I do this."

"I have an idea," Miku says but doesn't explain. "Knife."

"I didn't bring one," I say.

"Liar," Miku calls, aware of my fib. "You always, ALWAYS carry a knife with you. Now hand it here."

I sigh before I pull a knife out of my boot. Miku's right, I always carry a knife with me. I hand her the blade and listen for the familiar noise.

"Ahh!" Miku gasps before dropping my knife.

"How deep did you cut?" I ask her. Normally she doesn't cry this loud.

"Deeper than last," Miku says, sucking in her sobs before they spill. "I know I shouldn't be doing this, but sometimes it's nice to have a distraction."

I feel for my knife, finding the blade covered in Miku's blood. "You must've cut really deep for there to be this much blood," I say. "Are you sure you won't bleed out?"

"I'll be fine," Miku says. "I was careful to avoid any arteries, so I should be okay."

I pick up my knife and use the bottom of my dress to wipe off the blood. "How can you do that to yourself?" I ask her.

"The pain in my arm is enough to take my mind off of everything else," Miku says. "What else can I do to feel better?"

"What does Len say about this?" I ask her, totally ignoring her question. I am fully aware that Len knows nothing of Miku's self-harm, but I don't understand how Miku can continue to cut herself while knowing that Len would be upset with her if he ever found out.

"He wouldn't like it," Miku sighs. "But I'm too pathetic and weak to not be so self-destructive. Mayu," she pauses, "I want to die. I really, really want to die."

"Then what's stopping you?" I ask. I know as well as she does that she could just slit her throat with my knives other than cutting her arms.

"I don't want to hurt them," Miku says, referring to the twins. "Before we came here we promised each other that we wouldn't let ourselves be separated that easily. Wouldn't it seem that I betrayed them if I took my own life?"

"Perhaps," I say. "But you still harm yourself without either of them knowing. Isn't that betrayal as well?"

Miku stayed silent. "I think you're right. But life here is so miserable. It's impossible for anyone to say and feel."

"But you have wonderful friends," I remind her. "I never had anyone, but you have friends that you knew for years before coming here."

"And yet I find myself taking them for granted," Miku sighs. "Want to know the truth? The real reason that I cut myself?" I say nothing, but my silence is enough of an answer for her to continue. "As time goes on, I find myself cutting deeper and deeper. I may say I'm careful, but deep down I want to accidentally cut too deep. I want to accidentally cause myself to bleed out. I want to accidentally die." Miku begins sobbing. "I want to kill myself so bad that I'm disguising it all as an accident. Yet you never refuse me from harming myself. Why?"

"I don't know why I let you cut yourself," I answer honestly, "but it's perhaps because I get to see you at such a low point. Everyone looks up to you, Miku. Everyone wants to be as strong as you. The you that you show me, the one cutting her arms in hopes of one day killing herself, is weak. Is pathetic. Is not someone to be looked up to. You hide behind a mask, and I have the satisfaction of knowing who's behind it. Call me sick, but I think I get joy from seeing you so." And that's when it hits me. I wasn't ever sure why I never refused her, but after those words left my mouth I knew them to be true.

"You're right," Miku says. "I am weak. I am pathetic. Everyone here thinks too highly of me. I still want to die, I want death more than anything, but first I'm going to tell everyone the truth. After I do, I'll let whatever happens next happen. I'm not changing who I am, I'm just going to burn the mask."

I listen to her plan. Her confidence. Perhaps she is thinking that if everyone knew who she really is, then death will come easier to her.

"Someone's coming," I say the moment I sense it.

"Who?" Miku whispers but doesn't expect an answer.

"What are you freaks doing here?!"

Oh great. It's "her." "We were just leaving," I say flatly.

"Well move your butts!" "she" orders. "Hurry it up or I'll feed you both to the Blue Beast!"

I hold out my hand for Miku to take. I don't need Miku's assistance, but it never hurts to play the helpless blind girl act. Miku, understanding my intentions, takes my hand and begins leading me away. "Your hand is bloody," I observe with my touch.

"So is the ground," Miku observes with her eyes. "Do you think 'she' notices?"

"If 'she' does then she doesn't care," I respond.

We walk in silence until we get to my "room." "Goodnight, Miku. I hope that you'll still have the same form of thinking tomorrow."

"I probably won't," she predicts. "I'll try to stop harming myself. Maybe after I cross that bridge than maybe the rest shouldn't be too hard."

"It's never going to be easy," I tell her.

"I know," she says. "But can't I still hope?"

"Will hope be enough?"

"No. But God's strength in me should be. I may not have been too faithful lately, but I'll never abandon my beliefs."

"It's your faith that makes you so different," I say to her. "Do you know that?"

"I do now," she answers after a moment of silence.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much to theunhappytwins for suggesting *cough*morelikeforcing*cough* I put Mayu in the story. I didn't know who she was beforehand but when I saw her design I instantly fell in love with her. She's just so precious! And I love her ax. :) I took one look at Mayu with her ax and instantly knew what I wanted to do with her. She was just the perfect Vocaloid to use for this story.

-Ray


	4. Chapter 4

(Miku's P.O.V.)

The show went on like usual. CUL preforms her act, Mayu shots an arrow at the apple between Rin and Len's head, and the twins lead me up to the stage. All went well until I tripped on my dress and fell to the ground.

I lie on my knees, surprise in myself for pulling such a clumsy act. Normally I'm not such a klutz, but I guess it helps when the shoes are this uncomfortable.

"HEY," they start to holler, "GET UP YOU WORTHLESS CIRCUS MONSTER!"

I cower as they throw their popcorn bags, soda cups, and rocks at me. I don't know where they got the rocks, but it seems as if it's okay for the circus goers to throw them or else they would have been stopped by now. I shrink inside myself, accepting the blows. I continue to shake until I stop feeling the objects being thrown at me. I open my eyes and am surprised by what I see.

Rin and Len are using their body as a sheild, protecting me from the rocks and everything else. "Don't worry, Miku," Len says to me when he notices that I'm looking at him, "Rin and I will protect you."

Before I can protest, Ringmaster gets the audiences' attention and then tells them what he's going to do. Once I hear his plan, I pull myself into a ball and make myself so small that it's as if I'm trying to disappear. Honestly, I wish that I can disappear.

"She" pulls my arms behind me and holds tightly onto me as Ringmaster approaches me, the small bottle in hand. "This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you," I think I hear "her" say. It must be my imagination. There's no way this is going to hurt "her."

"You've been a naughty girl," "he" says. "Time to be punished."

I cry in pain as "he" pours the acid on my face. I hear Len yell my name so I look over to see him and Rin being held back. Len tries to fight them off, but Rin doesn't seem interested in moving. "Miku!" Len yells before I cry in more pain due to the acid. It hurts. It hurts like hell! Who am I kidding? This life is Hell! I have never wanted to die so badly before! Please God, just take me now!

After what feels like hours of torture, though it had to have been only seconds, Ringmaster stops pouring the acid on my face and has "her" drop me. I'm in too much pain to move, and "he" knows it. My tears feel like fire on my raw skin. I feel as if all my flesh has burned off. I feel as if I could die at any given moment. It just hurts so much.

I glance over at Ringmaster as he uses a new bottle to pour on Len's face. I know I should look away, yet I can't bring myself to. As if everything was in slow motion, I saw as the acid left the bottle and touched Len's face. Len cries out in pain, trying to hold back but failing because of how badly the acid burns. When I see tears fall from Len's eyes, my tears increase so much that my skin feels like it's on fire because of how sensitive my raw skin is.

"Len..." I try to say but just can't make myself loud enough. "Don't hurt him...please. Len..."

I don't know what's more painful - receiving the acid treatment or watching another, especially one you love, experience it. I continue to cry as I watch Len feel the pain.

How can I be the monster? I'm not pouring the acid on anybody. I'm not enjoying watching somebody feel the acid. I would never do this to anybody, no matter what they may have done to me. This is all too painful. They call me a monster because I look different. I call them monsters because they actually are.

I feel relieved when Ringmaster finally stops pouring the acid on Len. I don't have to worry about Rin, she's obviously "his" favorite. Rin behaves and never causes trouble. If I didn't know any better, I would swear that she loves it here.

"Len?" I croak when I see Len breathe heavily. He screamed for so long that I suspect that he'll be breathing like that for a while.

I will myself up onto my feet and try to approach the twins. I'm not far behind before Ringmaster notices me and pushes me down.

"Stay where you are, you ugly beast!" "he" snarls. This causes the audience to laugh. How much sicker can they be? We're in pain, and they're amused. How are they called human? We "monsters" are more human than those despicable creatures.

Some big men come and force me up. They carry me away, away from the panting Len. I don't put up a fight. I don't have the energy to. They throw me in my "room" and leave me alone. I don't care. I want to be alone. It was then that I noticed something.

I don't know whether it was Mayu or CUL, but one of them had left her dressing room mirror outside. What a mirror was doing there, I don't know, but the image shocks me. I haven't seen myself in a long time, so I didn't recognize myself. The skin of my face looks all rotten, and the acid from past treatments has twisted some of my facial features. Ringmaster is right, I am ugly. I'm so...undesirable. How...how can anybody ever love me? I'm not beautiful anymore. I really am a monster.

I cry myself to sleep, but am woken up hours later when I hear the lock on my cage being moved. At first I panic because I think Ringmaster is here to torture me further, but am relieved to see it's only Len trying to pick the lock.

"What are you doing here?" I ask in a whisper.

"I wanted to see if you were okay," he says as he continues to struggle with the lock.

"Come here," I call as I sit by the bars. Len listens to me and meets me here. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

"Not you're not," Len says. "You're upset. I can tell."

"I'm not upset," I lie.

"I know you're lying," Len says. "We're friends, Miku, you can tell me." When I don't answer him he says, "Miku, we're best friends. Remember? There isn't a single thing that you can't tell me."

I take in a deep breath. "I'm ugly."

"What?" Len asks, taken a bit by surprise.

I point to the mirror, casting my horrid reflection. "I'm ugly," I repeat. "Before, I was beautiful. Many people used to tell me how God had made me so beautiful. Now..."

Len reaches through the bars of the cage and grabs a lock of my long blue hair. He brings my hair to his lips and stands there like that for a while before speaking. "When I first saw you, you had to of been the most interesting thing that I have ever seen. I couldn't help but want to know you. Meeting you was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Miku. You were just so kind, caring, beautiful-"

"Now look at me!" I snap at him. "I'm a monster! I'm ugly! My body is undesirable! No one would ever dare love me!"

Len, a little shocked by my outburst, walks away. I sigh as I lie back down I rest my head on my hands. Maybe I shouldn't have snapped at him, but I don't care. I'm right, and he knows it.

Suddenly I feel my head being lifted and rested on that familiar warmth that always comforted me. "How did you get in?" I ask.

"Picking locks just happens to be a talent of mine," Len smiles. He runs his fingers through my hair. The feeling always brought me comfort, but not today.

"How can you look at such a monster as myself?" I ask him. "How can you look at me and not be horrified? The acid has destroyed my face."

"It's harmed mine too," Len points out. It's true. His appearance isn't what it once was. However, he's still beautiful. His face. His eyes. His smile. "I'm not exactly that great looking."

"No," I whisper as I reach out for his face. "You're still beautiful. Honestly, the acid hasn't done too much damage. Not like it has done mine."

"You're also beautiful, Miku," Len says as he places a hand on my check.

"No!" I shout as I sit up and swat his hand off my face. "Haven't you seen me, Len?! I'm a monster! A freak! So undesirable I am in this body! Nobody would dare love me! How can anyone ever love me?!"

Len places his hand on my shoulder. He looks me straight in my eyes as he says it. "I love you."

I didn't believe it. I wanted to believe it, but I didn't. "How?" I challenge.

Len leans forward and kisses my right cheek. "I love you," he whispers, his breath tickling my ear. Len then proceeds to the left side of my face and kisses that cheek. "I love you," he repeats. Len kisses my forehead. "I love you," he says for the third time. He then rest his lips on my nose, their warmth and softness making my heart melt. After he pulls away, he rests his forehead on mine and whispers again, "I love you."

"No!" I shout as I pull away. "How can you love me? Do you not see how undesirable my body is?! Do you not see that I am not fit for loving?!"

Before I could say more, I fell a sharp pain sting my left cheek. The force knocks my head to the right, and I believe that I feel blood filling my mouth. I look over to Len to ask why he did it, but am surprised to see that he is just as shocked as I am. I look at Rin, who's placing her arm at her side. "Rin?" I ask with surprise. "Why did you-"

"Because you're being stupid!" she cuts me off. I may have forgotten what Rin's voice sounds like, but I know that I never heard it angry before. "So what if you're ugly! So what if your body is undesirable! At least you have your own body! I love Len, he's my twin, but I can't stand being together with him like this!

"I would give my arm in order to have my own body again. You think you're undesirable? Well how do think I feel? I share a body with my twin brother for crying out loud! What are people going to think of me, the girl who shares a body with her brother! If anything, I'm the undesirable one. Not you!

"And why don't you believe Len? Hmmm? Len has always watched out for you, took care of you, and comforted you. He loves you, Miku! Why do you not believe it?! I know he loves you. Wanna know how I know? Easy. We share the same body! I feel our heart quicken whenever he sees you. Whenever he gets 'butterflies in his stomach' I feel as if I could throw up all our internal organs. He may feel fine when our body reacts so, but to me it's sickening!

"Here's somehing else. Wanna know why I don't talk any more? It's because of you two! You two have this bond that I can never hope to have with anybody, and so I keep quiet so that I don't make things awkward! I want you both to forget about me! I want you both to have your moments alone! But I can't give you that! All that I can give you is silence. It's all I can give..."

With that tears begin to slid down Rin's face. I wrap my arms around the small figure and pull her close to me. "I'm so sorry, Rin," I apologize. "I never knew you felt that way. You're right, I shouldn't be complaining. I'm sorry."

"Then believe Len," she says quietly. "He loves you, Miku. He doesn't care about how you look. He just loves you."

"But what about you, Rin?" I ask her. When she silently tilts her head down, I realize that she is going to stop talking again for God knows how long. I hug her. "I love you too, Rin. I treasure our friendship. I could never give it up." Rin doesn't say anything, but I'm certain she feels the same. It is then I realize that Rin wants me to talk to Len or else she would be responding to my words.

I look at Len and say, "I'm sorry for my outburst, it was...unnecessary."

"I forgive you," Len says. "And don't worry about how you look. You ARE beautiful."

"How am I beautiful?" I ask, trying to say it so as to not earn another slap from Rin.

Len sighs. "Beauty isn't about how you look; it's about YOU. The way you act, they way you talk, the way you treat those around you - Miku, you're the most beautiful person I have ever met. Actually, you're more beautiful than you were a year ago."

"Actually," I say, "I'm not that beautiful." I roll up my sleeves so that Len may see my arms. I point out all my fresh scars, as well as some that are still a faint pink. "I've been cutting myself. I keep cutting myself in hopes of one day cutting deep enough so that I may bleed out. Pathetic, isn't it?"

"Why do you want to bleed out?" Len asks as he inspects my arms. Actually, even Rin is looking at my scars. Perhaps this has come to a surprise to her as well.

"I want to die," I say flatly.

"You want to die so badly that you're willing to kill yourself?" Len asks.

"Yes," I simply answer.

Len sighs. "I, too, want to die. I really want to die. The only thing stopping me is how it will affect you. I promised that I wouldn't leave you, not without fighting first. I'm not going to leave you, Miku. Ever."

"But I'm too pathetic to stop myself," I say. "I know I would hurt both you and Rin if I died, but I wanted death so badly that I didn't care! I'm a horrible person!"

"No you're not," Len says. "You're human, Miku, so of course you're going to have those moments. But you admitted to it. Instead of hiding it and acting as if everything is all right, you admitted it. You made a mistake, big deal. Just," he takes a deep breath, "don't ever do it again. Please. It hurts me to know that you're hurting yourself. It hurts me a lot. I know how badly you want to die, I also really want to die. Please, no matter how bad it gets, always choose life. Because if you die, I would cry myself to sleep every night. I would never be able to stop grieving over you. You mean too much to me, Miku. I really do love you."

I feel the tears slid down my face. He means it. He truly means it. "I have a confession to make," I say, throwing him by surprise. "When we were in the institute, and I saw the doctors taking you away," I hang my head, "I was so certain that would have been the last time I ever saw you. I thought that they had killed you. I believed with every fiber of my body that I would never see you agian. See my hand?" I hold out my right hand. "Disgusting, isn't it?"

Len takes my hand in his and says, "They really worked on it, I'll give you that."

I shake my head as I pull my hand away. "They didn't touch my hand at all. I did it...to myself." I see the look of surprise on Len's face, but continue before he can respond. "I cried, repeatedly banged my hand on my door, pleading with them to bring you back. I banged, banged, and banged." I demonstrated by curling my fingers into a fist and banged on an imaginary door. "I did this for hours straight, breaking my hand in the process. I yelled and called for you until my voice was hoarse. Even when my hand was broke, I kept banging. Even when my yells were nothing more than whispers, I still called for you. I had already lost Rin, I couldn't stand losing you too." I look at my ugly hand and give a little laugh. "I may have made this hand ugly by myself, but even if I could go back I wouldn't do anything differently."

Len reaches out and grabs my hand. He inspects it carefully, as if studying every twist and gnarl. "You broke your hand...because you didn't want to lose me?"

This time I let him keep my hand. "Like I said, I thought they were going to kill you. I believed that I was never going to see you again. You're my best friend, Len. I couldn't bare losing both Rin and you."

Len holds onto my hand, grasping it tightly as if afraid to let go. "I was afraid," he admits. "Not because I though that they were going to kill me, but how you would go on afterwards. I was afraid for you, being left alone after all those years together. I didn't know how you would go on without either Rin or me to be there for you."

"I went insane," I laugh. "I forgot my name and everything. You would have been so disappointed in me."

"Did you forget us?" Len asked.

I shake my head. "Never. I remembered the both of you better than I had remembered myself."

Len tightens his grip on my hand. "I wanted to prevent you from becoming like this," Len says, "but before I could think of anything it was already too late. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course," I smile. I look him in the eyes and ask, "How long have you loved me?"

Len thinks about it. "I thought that you were interesting the moment I saw you so perhaps I have always loved you. It wasn't until a few months ago that I had learned why my feeling for you was. Isn't it sad that it took me so long to realize that I loved you?"

I shake my head. "You grew up in that psych ward, you wouldn't know such a feeling when you felt it. I'm the sad one. After my hand was broken and I cried myself out, after I was sure you were dead, I realized my feelings for you. After I thought that I would never see you again, had I realized that I love you." I look at him straight in his eyes. "I love you Len. I really do. This past year I have known just how much I love you."

"Then why have you never said anything?" he asks me.

I shrug. "I was afraid that you would find how ugly I was repulsing. That you wouldn't want to share those kinds of feelings with someone with a body like mine. Even now, after what you had said, I still can't help but feel self-conscious."

Len kisses my forehead again. "Don't. I will always love you, no matter how you looked on the outside. After all, it's who you are on the inside that I fell in love with."

* * *

Author's Note: They finally confessed! *tears of joy stream down face* Miku and Len love each other and they don't care who knows it!

Rin: What about me? Why am I the Forever Alone?

Me: Because I didn't pair you with Nero at the time I came up with this story. By then I was too lazy to make those changes to the plot.

Rin: *blushes* Well good thing you didn't! I don't even like Nero!

Me: Mmm-hmmm, sure you don't. That's why you're blushing, isn't it?

Rin: SHUT UP!

By the way, I hope everyone loved this chapter! :D Because I certainly did! And - HOLY FUDGE! - I WROTE OVER 3,500 WORDS! 0.0 HOLY FUDGE! HOLY FUDGE!

-Ray


	5. Chapter 5

(CUL's P.O.V.)

"If God hasn't abandoned us then why are we in this hell hole?!" I argue with Miku. We were being taken to another city in order to preform there. This time I got stuck with religious Miku as a traveling buddy. I wish I could've gotten Mayu; as least she knows to leave me alone.

"Everything happens for a reason, CUL," she says to me.

"Then what's the reason?!" I yell at her. When she doesn't answer me I yell again, "WHAT'S THE REASON?!"

"I don't know," she whispers as she hangs her head.

I cross my arms. "How can you worship a God who simply casts you aside and ignores your prayers?"

Miku looks me straight into my eyes. "I loved my God when my life was perfect, shouldn't I continue to love Him even when my life is horrible?"

I huff. "You're an idiot for believing that there is good in all of this."

"There is," Miku insists. "I've never had such wonderful friends before. Never. Even if I could go back to my old way of life, I can't imagine it without any of my friends here."

"That's your good reason?" I snort. "You think God has done all that to you just so you can make new friends? Is it really worth this Hell on Earth? Because I think not!"

"Well He could've had me die in the massacre!" Miku yells.

"That would've been better," I say. "But do you really think that was just a random massacre?" Miku gives me a confused look. "Guess not." I inhale a deep breath before I explain. "You know Neru and Haku? Well guess what? They survived a bloody massacre too. They were even sent to the same mental institute as well. Coincidence? I think not! I know how this works. They take kids - orphans, traumatized ones, or even straight up kidnap them - and send them to their little 'psych wards.' There they make you crazy. Make you forget who you really are. Make you forget! When you're crazy enough, they take you and mutate you! Why? So that you can be a freak show in a circus! The massacre you survived was a plan set up by whoever is in control of these 'circuses.' You weren't the only survivor, I know it! It was all done so that there would be traumatized orphans with nobody to claim them so that they can be sent to the 'institutes.' I know how this all works. I've had enough time to think about it. And you know what? The cycle's going to keep going and going because all humans are sick! They are amused by our pain! Nobody is ever going to save us, Miku. Not even God."

Miku hangs her head as she slowly says, "Luka was born deformed so she was just dropped off here by her parents. Mayu's father sold her here. Neru and Haku's story is the same as mine. Rin, Len, Miki, and Iroha were already orphaned. I know everyone's story. Everyone except yours." Miku makes eye contact with me. "CUL, what was your life before the circus?"

I'm a little surprises by her question, but instead of answering her I say, "It's none of your business! If everyone wants to share their past then let them! I'm just keeping my story where it belongs: the past!"

Miku shakes her head. "No, you just don't want to relive it."

"How can you say that so confidently?!" I demand.

Miku takes a deep breath. "Despite what you say, I think you do believe in God."

I was shocked by her declaration. "What are you-"

"I can tell," she cuts me off. "You say God has abandoned you, do you not? Well if you didn't believe, then I think you would be saying something like, 'If God is real then why hasn't He saved us,' or 'What kind of God would allow this to happen?' But no, you say, 'God has abandoned me.' Does that not mean that He was there for you at one point, and now you think He has left you?"

I bite my lip. Miku sure is pretty observant with this kind of thing. "That doesn't mean a thing!" I state.

Miku sighs. "You haven't been abandoned, CUL. Maybe it feels that way, but you haven't."

"You don't even know what I've been through," I huff.

"Because you won't tell anybody," Miku reminds me.

"Whatever," I wave her off. "I'm done talking about this." With that I lie down and spend the rest of the trip in silence.

Miku's right. I do believe in God. Actually, my father was a preacher. I grew up in church. I was being raised to one day be a strong Christian woman. Of course, all was going well before the accident.

_"Mama," I whine as I rub my eyes, "do I have to go to church?"_

_"Yes, CUL," Mama answers. "You shouldn't miss church."_

_"But does it have to be so early in the morning?" I complain as I crawl out of bed. I didn't mind going to church, I honestly loved it, but I wasn't exactly a big fan of getting up early. Maybe I should stop trying to see how late I can stay up._

_So I went through morning routine. I ate cereal, brushed my teeth, and changed into my Sunday best. Today I chose to wear my pink plaid dress and my white shoes with the half-inch heel. Mama said I was still too young to wear heels, but I was happy that she let me wear these. I tied a ribbon in my shoulder length red hair as I hum a tune. I was proud for getting ready all by myself when most kids my age still needed help picking out their clothes. Papa had said that I had a talent in matching clothes together. Something he said I got from Mama since he couldn't match a pair of socks to save his life._

_It went as it did every Sunday. I would be dropped off at Sunday school while Papa would go preach to everybody. Mama said that I wasn't old enough to hear "adult preaching" yet, but I had a lot of friends in Sunday school so I didn't care._

_"Hi CUL!" my best friend in the entire world, Lapis Aoki, greets._

_"Lapis!" I say as I rush over to her to give her a big hug. We played together until Ms. Mitzki, our Sunday school teacher, began class. Class wasn't even going on for ten minutes when the masked men arrived._

_I was too scared to remember what had happened from there, but the bits and pieces are vivid in my mind. Hiding under the table, some kids crying because of how scared they are, and especially watching Ms. Mitzki get shot to death. After they shoot Ms. Mitzki, they fire the guns all over the room. Not aiming for anybody in particular, just firing as if to scare us. It worked. When they had left all the kids were crying and trying to wake Ms. Mitzki up. I stayed under the table. I refused to move from my safe hiding spot._

_"Lapis!" I hear one of the boys yell. I crawl under the table towards the direction of the voice and see that it was Gumo who called my best friend's name. I see that he's shaking something, but it takes me a minute to see that "something" is Lapis._

_"Lapis!" I also yell as I got out from under the table. I forgot about hiding. I forgot about being scared. Lapis was hurt. Lapis needed me. "Lapis," I call to her as I push Gumo out of the way and grab Lapis' hand._

_"CUL," she whispers. It is then I see a bloody hole on her stomach. Lapis had been shot. Lapis was dying._

_"Lapis," I say her name again. I know what death is. I know what's happening to Lapis. But I still want to believe that she will be okay. She has to be okay. "Don't worry, Lapis. It'll be okay. It'll all be okay."_

_"CUL, it hurts," Lapis cries. "It really hurts."_

_"You'll be okay," I promise her. To the boy, "Gumo, get me some bandages. And a lot of them!" Gumo says nothing but nods as he runs off to get what I asked for. Back to Lapis I say, "Everything is going to be okay, Lapis. You're going to get better." Even as I say those words, tears stream from my eyes. I know that I can't save Lapis. I know it's out of my hands. Yet I want to save her. I want to save my best friend. I just can't lose her like this. "You'll be okay," I whisper just as a tear falls off my face and lands on her cheek._

_"Don't cry, CUL," Lapis tells me. "Jesus is going to take me Home with Him. I'm going to go to Heaven." Lapis knows that she's dying. That only makes it worse for me._

_"I don't want you to die!" I say as my sobs increase._

_She squeezes my hand. "I don't want to die either," she says, her voice breaking with her words. "I'm scared, CUL. I'm really scared. But I want to stop hurting. I want to stop being so afraid."_

_I bring her hand to my face and let my countless tears fall. Lapis is only a kid. She's too young to die! "Please... Please... Please..." I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence; there was too much to say. Please don't die, Lapis. Please be okay. Please, God, save Lapis._

_"Don't cry, CUL," Lapis tries to comfort me. "I'll be with Jesus soon."_

_"But what about me?!" I cry. "Who will be with me when you're dead?!"_

_Lapis squeezes my hand even tighter. With her grip I know that my hand is going to he bruised for weeks, but I can't make myself care. I would rather she never let go of my hand. I want her to hold on tightly to me, so that I may know that she's alive. "God will never leave you," she whispers to me._

_I shake my head as more tears fall from my eyes. Lapis is also crying, but for my sake she's staying strong. How pathetic this is. I'm supposed to be comforting the dying, but the dying is comforting me. "I'll never forget you, Lapis," I whisper quietly._

_"I'll never forget you, CUL," Lapis says with her last breath. I watch as the life leaves her eyes. I feel her hand loosen its grip on mine. She's gone. Lapis is... Lapis is..._

_"I found the band-aids!" Gumo says as he runs back. It's after he sees Lapis does he realize that it's too late. "No..."_

_I hold onto Lapis' hand, too afraid to let go. Lapis is... Lapis is... Lapis is dead! Lapis, my best friend in the whole wide world, is dead! I couldn't save her! Even though there was nothing I could have done, I still felt like it was my fault that she died. I wish that I could have saved her! "God," I silently prayed, "why didn't you help Lapis? If You're so great and powerful, then why did You let Lapis die?" I shake from how hard I'm sobbing. When I feel something on me, I snap my head to see Gumo trying to give me a hug. "Get off of me!" I snap at the boy._

_"But CUL-" he tries but I interrupt him._

_"I said 'Get off of me!'" I yell. "And leave me alone why you're at it! Just leave me alone!"_

_Gumo, afraid from my sudden outburst, backs off and runs away from me. I then notice that the whole class is staring at me. They've never seen me like this. I was always so happy and cheerful, but now I am hurt and angry. "What are you all looking at?!" I demand. Everyone shifts their gaze off of me. They're scared of me, I can feel it; and honestly, I don't care. I look back at Lapis' lifeless face. Never again will I see her cheerful smile. Never again will I hear her call my name. Never agian will Lapis be there for me when I cry. Because those monsters killed her._

I shoot up, gasping for air. I pant heavily for a solid five minutes, trying to get a good intake of air. I look over and see Miku sleeping soundly, totally oblivious to my moment of panic.

I place a cold hand on my head. A nightmare. No. A memory. Those men really came into our room and killed Ms. Mitzki. They shot and killed other kids, too. The sanctuary, where all the adults were, was blown up. My parents died in the explosion. So did all the other kid's parents. And I watched Lapis die. We were only six years old, and I watched my very best friend die. I was mad at God for it. And I stayed mad all these years.

I huddled myself in a corner, trying to hold back my tears. "Lapis," I whisper aloud. Since Miku is obviously sleeping like a rock, I'm not worried about her overhearing me. "Lapis," I repeat, "you must be ashamed of me. You must be so ashamed. I'm not the girl you called your best friend anymore; I'm a prideful, arrogant brat. I blamed God for your death. I blamed God for having me live in this circus. I blame Him, and still I know deep down that He's never truly left me." I know talking out loud to a dead girl will only make me look crazy, but it would just feel wrong to only talk in my head. "I guess I should consider it a blessing that you died; at least you will never know this horrible life. I hate my life here, and I want to die so that I can be with you again. But I can't die. I have spent over ten years being mad at God for what has happened, and I don't think I'll ever be forgiven. Even if I apologize forever, it will never take away all the anger I have allowed to build up inside me. I'm so sorry for disappointing you, Lapis. If you were here today, what would you think of me?"

I hug my knees as I let the tears fall from my eyes. I've always been told that there was no sin too great for God to forgive, yet I didn't believe that He could ever forgive me for the anger I have towards Him. Miku and I came her believing that there is a God, but how we acted is two different things. She shared her faith, she has never stopped believing in God. I, on the other hand, treated everyone harshly and believed with all my heart that I was alone. Lapis told me that God will never leave me, but I believed the opposite. Miku made an example of a strong Christian girl, while I made an example of someone you'd never want to be in the same room with.

"Who I was died with you, Lapis," I cry. "After you died I stopped being that sweet and caring girl; you weren't gone long before I turned into a nasty monster. I'm the real monster in this circus; everyone else doesn't deserve this life." I laugh. "Why has it taken me so long to look at everything from a different angle? Did I let my anger control my thoughts? Must have. I've tried so hard to not cry over you, yet now I finally let it all out. Why didn't I greive like I should have? I guess it doesn't matter. Better late then never, I suppose." I sigh. "Are you even listening to me, Lapis? Or are you too ashamed of who I have become in order to lend me your ears? I guess I deserve it. For a preacher's daughter, I'm anything but godly."

I sit and think back to my life shortly after Lapis' death. I was taken to a mental institute. I never socialized; I would always sit in my little corner and hiss and growl at anyone who would even dare go near me. Soon enough I started fighting at doctors whenever they tried to take me to the social room. Eventually they gave up and just left me in my room twenty-four seven. I liked being alone; alone was best. Then that last day, when I was nine, five doctors had tried to drag me out of my room. I bite one, causing his arm to bleed, and scratched the others. In order to control me, they drugged me so that I would fall unconscious.

When I had waken up, I had found that I had bull horns on my head. I honestly thought that they were cool, and was happy to have them. Then I came to the circus.

Mayu would always laugh at me whenever I would get my horns caught on something. For an eleven-year-old, she was very childish. Luka, only older than Mayu by a year, was almost like a motherly figure. There were others too. Avanna the Elf, Leon the Lion, Little Lola, and, of course, the Blue Beast. I had always wondered what had happened to Avanna, Leon, and Lola. Ringmaster had said that they "retired," but I don't think it was that pleasant retirement that my grandparents had. Now that I'm older, part of me believes that they were killed. Afterall, once you lost popularity, what good are you here?

"Lapis," I say, "I wasted my life. My life here was a total waste. When I'm gone, it won't matter. They'll all be glad to never have to see my face again. Miku, on the other hand, has made a legend of herself here. She talked about the Ultimate Love, and she let herself be different. She's the Christian that I should have been. I guess I could change, but it won't take back all that I have done. I deserve what's coming for me, and I won't fight it. Lapis, if you still haven't forgotten me, will you be waiting for me on the other side? I hope you will, because I want nothing more than to see you agian."

With that I close my eyes and silently pray. "God, I know this is long over-due, but I'm so sorry for blaming you for all of this. You had only spared Lapis from this pain, and I have now just seen that. Instead of being mad at You for letting her die, I should of been happy for her because she wouldn't have to suffer from this. I'm sorry for being so angry, and I'm sorry for ever doubting You. I don't know why You sent me here, but I've obviously didn't make it worth Your while. Again, I'm sorry. I acknowledge my sins, and I ask for You to forgive them. If You want nothing more to do with me, then I could never blame You. I am sorry, Lord, and I will accept whatever punishment You have for me."

After I prayed, I felt as if a weight had been lifted. My anger was gone, and my pride had vanished. I should have apologized years ago, but it takes a flashback of my young friend's death to make me come to my senses. It's probably too late to change, but I will try to do better.

"I will redeem myself, Lapis," I promise her. "I have made your heart ache for me, but now I will right my wrongs. I've never forgotten you, Lapis, and I never will. So please just wait for me."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I forgive you," Miku says, actually surprising me.

When I had apologized to Miku, I was expecting her to doubt my sincerity and refuse me forgiveness. "Really?" I ask after I'm certain that I didn't hear her wrong.

"Really," Miku smiles. "I can tell that you have had a change of heart."

I huff as I cross my arms. "I'm not saying that I'm changing; I'm just saying that I'm sorry for being so rude to you."

"That's good enough for me," Miku says.

We spend the of the ride in silence. Miku says nothing to me, and I to her. After we arrive I look for Mayu, who's sitting with Luka, and apologize to her.

"Who are you and what have you done CUL?" Mayu asks, actually serious. At least her's was a response I was expecting.

"I guess you can say that I've had a...bit of a revelation," I answer.

"What happened?" Mayu asks. "Did Miku finally get through to you?"

"As if!" I snort. "Can't a girl come to realization on her own?"

"Not if she's CUL," Mayu whispers.

"Fine!" I huff. "Don't accept my apology! See if I care!" With that I storm off. Honestly, I wasn't expecting her to believe me. Mayu knows me more than I'd like her to, and she knows how impossible my changing is. It really is too late for me to change, but I promised Lapis that I would right my wrongs; and by doing that, I need to apologize to everyone.

"CUL!" I hear Luka call after me.

I turn around to see the pinkette catching up to me. "Yes, Luka?"

When she gets in front of me, Luka leans over to take a breather. "I believe you really did mean your apology to Mayu, but I think the reason she acted the way she did is because she was just surprised."

"I don't care if she accepts it or not," I say. "I'm just apologizing to everyone because it's the right thing to do."

"Since when did you care about the right thing?" Luka asks as she crosses her arms.

"Let's just say that my eyes have been opened," I say. "I'm sorry for all the mean things I've ever said to you; it was wrong of me and you didn't deserve it."

"I forgive you," Luka says. "I know you say that you aren't changing, but you look like a new girl to me."

I cross my arms. "Don't get used to her. After I finish my apologies I'm going back to ignoring everybody."

"Okay, CUL," Luka says before she walks away. Poor girl, I was fortunate enough to have parents who loved me, but Luka's just abandoned her. If I were born deformed, would my parents still love me? Or would they have abandoned me like Luka's had? This Hell called "circus" is the only home Luka's ever known; maybe that's why life here isn't as bad to her as it is to the rest of us.

I spend the rest of the day finding everyone and apologizing. Rin and Len were both willing to forgive, but I think Rin still harbors some dislike for me since I've called her a "crazy mute bozo" at least on a daily basis. Haku also forgave me, but Neru didn't believe me at all and actually threatened to step on me (an easy feat for her since she's ten freaking feet tall!). Iroha was a little uncertain, but in the end she said that she forgave me. Miki didn't believe me either, but at least she wasn't as mean as Neru was about it. At the end of the day I felt better for finally telling everyone how sorry I was.

"Did I redeem myself, Lapis?" I ask my dead friend. Talking out loud like this may not be the best thing to do if you want to look sane, but it felt better to act as of I were actually talking to my best friend. "I feel better, doing all this. I should have done this a long time ago. Too bad the past can't be changed, but at least I have righted some of my wrongs. I just have," I stop and take a deep breath, "I just have one more thing to do."

I walk over to the Blue Beast's cage. He's the most popular attraction in all the Dark Woods Circus. "Why?" you may ask. Well, he eats cold things. Specifically, cold human body parts. He is, afterall, a cannibal. The only one of us who really is a monster.

"Where is she?!" I ask in my head. "She's always here." Then I notice something. I take a few steps away from the Blue Beast's cage and notice a small hole in the ground. It's barely visible, but it looks as if it goes from the circus grounds and under the gate. Once when I was just a little bit younger, I overheard one of the circus goers talk about an escaped circus monster from another Dark Woods Circus branch. The thing is, she said he escaped at the location where we are now, and they couldn't figure out how he had escaped. Did he dig this tunnel as a why out of this Hell? If so, then he did a good job of hiding it. A wide smile crosses my face. Perhaps I can tell everyone about this hole, and then we can escape this horrible circus. I...I can finally be free! To prevent myself from losing the hole, I rip off a ribbon from my leotard and tie it on the fence post. Certainly the hole can be found now.

I walk back to the Blue Beast's cage as I wait for the last person I need to apologize to. I wait patiently before I'm grabbed from the behind. When I feel something cold placed on the side of my head, I know that I will never be able to tell "her" that I'm sorry.

This is my punishment, isn't it, God? I wasted my time here, so now I get to die here. That's fine. I don't care if I live or die. I just don't care about myself any more. Just please, please let somebody, any one of the "circus freaks," find the hole. Save them, please. Just save them.

Before my life ends I say the one thing that I have wanted to say for years.

"I'm coming, Lapis."

* * *

Author's Note: Biggest mistake I ever made while writing: Listening to CUL's cover of And I'm Home while writing this. I freaking bawled! TT-TT

This is also the most my religious chapter, but this chapter means a lot to me for so many reasons that nothing could dare make me change my mind about it. I just find it very touching and precious to me, and I do hope everyone feels for CUL.

And . . . I just wrote . . . over 4,600 words. . . *passes out from disbelief*

-Ray


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